Monday, July 1, 2013

Why Affliction shirts make you a total DoucheBag!

Don't get me wrong...I like watching the occasional UFC fights...even the ones where the dudes have cauliflower ears (gag me with a spork). I have been to a UFC fight (wasted). While attending this awesomely exciting event(sarcasm) I saw a lot of beefed up men with women's hair and a sea of AFFLICTION SHIRTS. They all looked roided out of their mind and kept grabbing their nuts ( yes I know...I was just as shocked they even had some left). It was not really the M.U.S.C.L.E action figures they were trying to be like that bothered me as much as those awful fucking shirts.

$75 a shirt?? That in itself is total douchebaggery. A nike shirt at the most might be $30 and doesn't have veins running through it or a Unicorn fighting a bull. I have also seen some of the fattest nasty men in these shirts. Put it this way if you are a female and you are tempted to go after a male with one of these shirts on be prepared to have the WORST one night stand of your life. You are more likely to get lucky and enjoy it with a dude wearing a shirt with a wolf howling at the moon.

I have always wanted to ask someone who has bought one of these ridiculously priced MMA shirts," did it come with a complimentary hand job?" If not you got ripped OFF. The same thing goes for Ed Hardy. Only I see MORE affliction shirts in the south than the Ed Hardy's. Must be a west coast thing. However I will say that the people who where "Ed Hardy" are probably just obsessed with Miami ink.Going back to the wannabe shirts..Why do everyone who has a scarred up face wear these? We all know that scar was not from a fight rather it was from a hard case of chicken pox when you were 7.I will never understand why anyone would actually want a closet full of shirts that make them look like they went on tour with Metallica?!?! These people are always carrying MONSTER drinks and flexing...They also have the tendency to throw deuces up in every picture. Have you ever seen these guys at a bar? I used to work in one so let me tell you..they walk around sticking out their chest, proudly donning their freshly pressed "AFFLICTION" shirt and their "BEDDAZLED" jeans (by the way what the hell is up with men also wearing rhinestones?!?!?!)scanning the bar hoping that someone will actually "ACCIDENTALLY" run into them so they can show off their Brazilian Ju Jitsu move they've been practicing from their DVR at home.Trust're a grown man wearing a $75 shirt with mythical dragons on it.
I actually saw this guy at the know the ones who grunt when they work out and sound like their about to bust a load? So gross....especially because I bet their nuts look like beef jerky...because you also know these guys Tan like it's their job. So this drooling dbag has an affliction towel, a water bottle, and jean shorts. He also had zits all over his backne....SO gross. He lifts the heaviest bar in the building and yells, "Make me scream!!!" And yes, he was yelling that to his "Workout partner (also wearing said shirt)." I really don't know where yelling that is appropriate nor do I know where wearing rhinestone sweatpants is acceptable. No one is wrestling a rattlesnake nor are you about to battle with a Viking. The camera crew is not here to film your "nickleback" video.

Real men don't need shirts with warriors on it to make them cool. Real men can work out without a label. They run, they lift weights, Shit...they might even love MMA but they don't have to wear a $70 shirt to prove their manhood. It is a TOTAL turnoff and it means that your dick is probably "afflicted with small size."

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Paula Deen....Full of Butter and Bullshit

Paula has been filling people's kitchen with amazing obese filled foods for decades. She has made an empire marketing herself and her sons. She has written tons of books and HAD her own Tv show on Food Network. But...she said the word nigger. A word FILLED with hate. A word that plauges our society.... And let's be honest I hate it even when african americans use it. In fact, I think it's something that most african americans accept as long as youre not white and saying it. Should what IS okay for one group be alright for another? I really do not know the answer to that. It's quite dirogatory and actually makes me feel "white guilt" when I hear someone of my own race use it. I cringe. Totally lock up...shut down..tune the author of those words out. When I hear people of the African American community say it I don't even give it a thought. It's as if they earned the right to say that because of what white people did to them. Like it is a brotherhood....almost making fun of what white people used to declare them. Like they amounted to nothing except a word that brought tons of struggle and inequality to the table.

Back to Paula....According to a news source this issue was leaked to the media that her right hand woman filed a lawsuit back in 2012 citing racial slurs against Black people, Jews, and Women. Wow, now that is quite the trifecta. This woman's name was Mrs. Jackson (apparently not if your nasty). The Deen family states that she was ," Hellbent on Revenge." On first glance you would think Ms. Jackson was black....not so much. Ms. Jackson is WHITE. Ive heard people say, " The black woman who worked with her turned her in." LOL!! Read the article. She was white. This just baffles if a black right hand woman would be less credible? Or moreover more credible? I digress...."Hellbent on revenge." Let's see here...a white woman came out with a story that she saw this going on in the restaraunt in Savannah GA. She tried to fix the broken communication and reestablish order. She was working for Pauly D's brother Earl Hiers. At a place called "Bubba's Oyster House." She claims that white workers made more than the black ones. I am hoping that is not true and that it was based on experience. Nevertheless, Paula and crew stated that, " She asked for 1.2 million dollars or she was going to leak this to the media." In my honest opinion here I think that she went to them and told them that their business was ruined, that the racial and sexual issues were abounding, and that she wanted it fixed or she was going to the media. Do I think that she tried to embezzel money? Hell no. I think that is the Buttery Bullshit the Deen Empire wants you to belive. A source states "Late Friday, a lawyer for Mr. Hiers filed a motion in the case arguing that Ms. Jackson was pursuing race-based claims even though she is white and thus had no standing." Is THAT not racist in nature?!?!? Your not black, jewish, although you have the woman card right but you have no goddamn dog in this fight? That should give you insight into what the attitude of "Bubba's" was all about..afterall if youre white I guess youre not required to stand up for what is right. You should keep your mouth shut because you are ONE OF US. You can clearly see the divide.

Now we circle back to a statement made by P Butter Deen long ago. In her own words, " A nigger broke into the bank I was working at and held me at gunpoint." And if it was a white man she would say.......We will never know. When asked if she had used the word "Nigger" again she stated she wasnt sure but maybe she had. I have heard a lot of people say...." Well we have ALL used that statement before"..."we have all slipped up"..."we all use that word"..or my personal favorite "It's just a word." Now before I get ahead of myself let me state that I abhore Jesse Jackson. I consider him an ambulance chaser and someone who screws up the world rather than fixing it. This is not about pitting people against each other and deepning the divide...It is about addressing issues and making them better. Paula Deen has a past (and so does her family at seems) at using the word "Nigger" and allows it to be a word in her vocabulary.

"Jackson's lawsuit also claims Deen wanted to plan a party in the style of a Southern plantation, staffed with black waiters dressed to resemble slaves.In her deposition, Deen said she was speaking of an experience she had had recently in which the wait staff was composed of black men in white jackets and bow ties, and that she had said she would love for Hier to "experience a very Southern style wedding" such as that." So we are talking about a "Plantation/Servant/Slave" Type Wedding/Dinner.I do not know how this coupled with the other things she has stated can be looked at as Racism. In fact this is racism at its ugliest! Having ONLY "black men in bow ties serve you?" That is the most atrocious thing I could ever think of. And if that didn't frost your Gooey Butter Cake, then how about the fact that she also said, " Our jokes usually target A GROUP. Gays or straights , black, redneck you know....I can't determine myself what offends another person." Well, there you have it folks....Coming straight from her lips to God and everyone.

I have to admit that part of me wants to believe the best about the Deen family. I really do. I have enjoyed her recipes for years. I really should sue her for the 29 lbs I gained from eating one slice of her cake. But the other part of me believes that she knew what she was doing. She knew what was going on. She condoned it and even participated in it because (in her words) "That's what they did in the sixties." She has almost had every sponsor drop her..the latest being Smithfield Hams. Where does Walmart stand? Guess we will find out in a few days. And the Today Show is having her on tomorrow. Hope Al Roker doesn't get in her way.....

All I know is that I won't be making her recipes or buying her products out of principal. Congrats to the WHITE woman for standing up for what is right rather than accepting this as "commonplace." We all need to be more like that even when we hear other people using that word no matter if they are WHITE, BLACK, JEWISH, GAY, or Green. NO H8.

Saturday, December 22, 2012


Heres a scenario for you all to think about: You get pulled over for going 80mph in a 65mph zone. You get a ticket.You get pissed and bitch the whole way home. F the police...what an asshole blah blah blah. Even though you're the one who was speeding you point the finger. This cop is on his 8th hour of work. He has a family..3 kids and a supportive wife. They have plans to go to the movies tomorrow. Everyone's excited! The next call that cop goes to is one called gunshots fired. He arrives and is ambushed with gunfire. He sadly passes. You still bitch about your ticket. You made it home...he didn't. This is reality. Think people!!!! Before you complain about something that was your fault, consider their next call. You may pay a little over a hundred for your ticket. The price he paid was his life. Perspective check...

Thursday, December 20, 2012

City council is a joke!!

Who knew taking on a city and its mayor would be a daunting task???!! I thought it would be easier than offering Honey Boo Boo a dollar to make her holllllleeeeerrrr! To me it was easy!! A matter of some heavy cheddar being dropped, a case of whiteout, maybe 3 meetings, and some squeaky fresh ink on paper. Uhm, yeah........about that....not that easy. In fact I feel I should receive a concession Prize due to my lack of knowledge in city politics! I did however learn that 10 pounds of packing tape, 12 cardboard boxes, and a sharpie can go a long way if you happen to be a red headed Scorpuo with Irish and Native American blood and can collect over 500 letters of disapproval!! Don't give me TOO much credit here though , we are still in the beginning stages (this noble conquistador only scored a 300 on her SAT....bad story...horrible night involving a cow and a makeshift air ballon. I was lucky to even make it there given the horrible conditions and my unholy body odor. I digress, I retook it and made an 890...I'm only partially incompetent).

Last June I was watching reruns of Sanford and Sons when I got a text to turn the news on( said person was behind bars. Yes it was up for robbing someone with a chicken and a electric shock collar ((the chicken and the collar were the weapons))By the way..who knew they had cell phones in prison???) . They stated it was about the Atlantuuurrr city council wanting a raise. My first thought was to reserve judgement...then I realized I'm way better at being realistic. So, I willingly turned the channel. I saw a VERY VERY VERY ....VERY ...VERY .....large man on the news bitching about his 13 hour work week and the fact that he "only makes like 40 grand!". Say whhhaaaaa?!? Por que seƱor? He then went onto say, " We keep all of our citizens in our head daily and we just want to keep moving like that rapid speed (a brief sneeze and a chuckle). Our goal is to make the streets safer and we need to be paid 52% more to example our future generation study." Alright...stop collaborate and listen....huh????!!!!! Before we even get on the topic this council member wants to talk about we have to first look past this VERY VERY VERY VERY .....VERY large man AND break down the language barrier. I am going to try and interpret what he meant ??!! Maybe??!! Okay , so I guess he meant that they need a raise so they can continue to do nothing, work less than 13 hours, and make 52% more!!! Dude, sign me up !!! Where can I sponsor you?! This idea is so out of this world brilliant ,we should name a highway after you!!! congrats bro...You have convinced me that you deserve 52% LESS! In fact home skillet needs a groupon for interviewing classes,a Zyrtek, some VERY VERY VERY large(er) pants ( the pants were crying for freedom. I also recall a moose knuckle being involved) and the Rosetta Stone intro to English! As funny as it is to laugh at his expense, it's really not funny when you really break down the numbers and see police officers and their families on government assistance because the city council and the mayor would rather discuss more important business like, The Busted Ass Belt line. And how one day it will be like the BIG APPLE! It was time for someone to say, "HELLO?!? Is there anyone in there who understands where this city is at?? We JUST had furloughs you want to make MORE money?!? What about our first responders??Do you people speak English?!? Shit, I'll even give it to you in Spanish!!! Does anyone here understand SIMPLE MATH?!? Again, we just came off of furloughs ...F-U-R-L-O-U-G-H-S!!! Sound it out...spell it out... Wait for it....there ,now you have the whole word!! So, we JUST got out of FURLOUGHS and now you want a R-A-I-S-E!! Not a measly 60 bucks a paycheck kind of raise but a raise where you will be making significantly MORE and still be part time!!! All of this while your first responders are working 60 hours. Lets go slower and say it again.... THEY WORK 60 PLUS HOURS with NO HOLIDAYS off and get paid around 35 grand A year....YOU make $43,000 DOLLARS to sit in meetings once in a very blue moon, go to lavish dinners (whatever happened to meeting at golden corral and breaking bread), ARE PART TIME WITH HOLIDAYS OFF!

What the hell?!?! How did this happen?!?How do people dictate their raises?!? What can I do to stop this?! Stay tuned...I'm going to explain!!!

Monday, October 1, 2012

A letter to my 7 year old self......

Dearest Kelly,

This is you. Although you are 32 years old now, I want to remind you of a couple things. First of all Life is not fair. But then again, life doesn't promise to be fair, happy,cruel, or all that you dreamed it to be. I know right now that you aspire to be a writer/singer/artist. While most people your age are aiming for the veterinarian or doctor route, you are set in stone that you just want to share your life and be nice to people. By the way, your friend (who shall remain nameless and always called you a loser) got addicted to bath salts, acid, and coke. She lives with her enabling parents and takes advantage of them. Remember when she tried to get you to throw rocks at the "stinky boy" at the bus stop? I am proud of you for not doing it. You were heavily tempted just to fit in but in the end you felt so bad for him. Believe it or not all of just want to fit in. That is why people make fun of others who don't wear things from the Limited 2 or Gap or that hideous store 5-7-9. Your clothes were hand-me-downs. They weren't the newest or greatest or hippest clothes to wear but they kept you warm and your parents didn't have to put off paying their mortgage to impress everyone that everything was okay. show and tell there.

Moving on I will tell you there will be some more moments that I am going to explain to you some things that may or may not make sense. Yes you are 7 but in dog years you are an adult. And you are an old soul. So if you add that together, you have the heart and mind of someone who is 60 plus years old. You worry. ALL THE TIME. You have anxiety about everything. Just the other day I remembered the time you freaked out because the little neighbor kid put lizard heads in your pool. You were scared of getting spanked because you were "supposed to put it away the night before". They stood there and laughed at you as you fished them out and cried. There was no need to cry sweet girl. As you will learn this will become the least of your worries. You are the light of your great grandfathers world and he is the light of yours. Take as much time as you can with him as his existence is limited.Don't be embarrassed to sit in his lap, hold his hand, and tell him you love him. You often take off by yourself and sing. Sometimes you sound really good and sometimes the song is so touching you cannot even get the words out. On this particular day in November you are attending the family Thanksgiving get together. There are always around 100 people there and your anxiety is at full throttle. You have an issue with hands. In your mind you imagine the old women in your family scratching their butt or going to the bathroom ..not washing their hands and making some sort of casserole where mixing involves fingers and mashing. You say your hello's and then you immediately take off. You find solace in cemeteries and you go by each headstone, say their name, and sing your best version of Bette Midler's "From a distance". You feel bad for them and wonder if they are alone. Everyone says they go to heaven but to you it just seems sad. And it is. You are scared for them and wonder if their family ever comes to visit. You see many gravestones of babies who were lost at 1 or 2 years old and you cry for them. Another thing you need to learn...don't bottle up your tears. Let them flow freely because if you hold them in they turn to anger. Something you will also learn later in life. You your bitter stage. Basically, you never want anyone to feel alone like you do. You never want anyone to hurt and would literally do anything to take their pain away even if it meant you hurt even more. You know how it feels to be made fun of. To be the butt of everyone's jokes and feel as though you are all alone. You are never alone. All of us are like you. Everyone. Even if they act like they aren't. We all at some point feel lost, sad, and scared.

You have a baby sister. She looks up to you more than you know. You will teach her so many things. The best way to teach her is through example. Be her guide. Your mom cleans houses and your dad works at a convenient store.They do the best they can..with each other..with the weight of the world on their shoulders and they love you and your sister as much as possible. They will not work out in the long run. They will get divorced but that is later in your life. It is going to be hard not to blame this on one party or take sides but as I have already expressed life isn't always fair and you can either get bitter or get better. Don't get upset over this as you will notice it happens to shape who you become. At this point in your life you are starting to hate being made fun of so you play the sick card almost everyday. Which your mom always replies, " Don't you remember that award you got in first grade for having no absentees? PERFECT ATTENDANCE?? Don't you want another award?". The truth was that you DID want that award. You did want to go to school. You just wish those other kids were not there. Upward and Onward did it. You went to school. Just another day.

You are now in sixth grade. You have become one of the "cool kids". You caved. You started making fun of people. Now that you chose that journey you now have unlimited access to all the coolest things. You even went to lost and found and spotted some real "keds". You hurriedly ripped the blue keds logo off the back of the shoes and glued them to the back of your Kmart version. And what do you know? You are now a fashion icon. You fit...but you don't. Because at night when you go home you feel like a monster. But what if you stopped being mean and started being the person you really were? No one would want to be friends with that girl. Trust me you had already tried many routes to making friends. This was your last resort. That or be lonely.If you only knew how drastically your life would change and how many options you really had. Someone you knew killed themselves...a total devastating incident you will always carry with you. Maybe it was because someone bullied him. You felt overwhelmed with shame and wondered if maybe you could have prevented it by being nice. That's when the ball was kind of set in motion for you to stop caring about your image.

Ahh the joys of being in middle school.. Older people...smoking pre-teens, band geeks, the jocks,and the pretty girls vs the average girls. You at this point had lost all your friends except Haley Peacock and were back in your own world. The next year you will move away so your dad can be a pastor in LaGrange and the only friend you have ever kept around your parents are taking you away from. You will hate them for a little while. You will act out. I wish I could stop you and shake you and tell you that in the latter part of your life meeting new people and listening would be your ambition. You went from being a really good kid to being grounded indefinitely. What you should have learned was that you needed to let the tears out. Cry, scream in your pillow, approach new people, and walk away knowing you were a good person. But then again your hormonal and everything would be perfect if only you were blonde and a size 0. One Sunday night you hear a message on the family answering machine. The words hit you like a ton of bricks. It was my grandfather.. "Hey guys. Just wanted to let you know that Papa Steppe passed away tonight". My WHOLE world came crashing down..this is the great grandfather that you got "too old and cool" to go visit because you are too busy making fun of people. Trying to be something that you are not. Feeling guilty about it at night and repeating those patterns during the day. You didn't have time to keep up with your friends AND Him. Regret sweeps through your body and you will still sob to this day when you think of him and all that he gave you. You will eventually forgive yourself but you are stuck in a time and space where you know you will NEVER see him again. Suddenly it all makes sense and you cannot take anything back.

Oh lord, we have made it to high school. You are working 3 jobs. Your dad and mom have divorced and you have made a few church friends who seem to embrace who you are. High school is a long 4 years but you made it through. Congrats on graduating kid. You are beautiful and smart and you never even saw it.

You meet a guy. You fall in love. Sounds perfect right? You get married then you get divorced. You refuse to allow his abuse anymore. The straw that broke the camels back might have been that 15 year old he got pregnant. She arrived at your doorstep 8 months pregnant when yall were only married for 4 months. And yes....he will have told you he was a virgin. You saved yourself for marriage also. And thats what you got??? Uhm was this a cruel joke? You get angry..very very angry..and you start drinking. Not the brightest of solutions sweet Kelly. But it temporarily takes away the pain and you feel cool again. You have a group of new friends who also like to drink through their pain and they make you laugh. You meet a new guy..things dont work out. shit happens. You are trying to find yourself so you dabble in new people and things. Those "things" don't work out either.

Finally you decide to start giving back. Volunteering. The people that you meet are just like you. You love doing this. But you have to make money to live so you get a job at a pub. As fate would have it you now have a ton of friends, a sense of belonging, and you meet your husband Tommy. You get married and it is perfect.

There may be huge details I am leaving out or maybe even sparing you but here are the things you should know. Life is not fair but you can make it worthwhile. That hate that you secretly hide inside? Its bad karma. You can choose to turn that around. You deserve to be loved..real love...the love that says to you, " Unconditional". You always knew making fun of people was wrong. You will strive for the rest of your life to be like your Papa Steppe. You will try to live with integrity. You will at sometimes reject the love people give you because you feel unworthy. You feel guilty for making fun of people. So you will be nice to everyone you meet. You will try and pay it forward every chance you get because you realize your time is limited. Papa Steppe is the greatest example of that. You will have children and they will adore you. You will teach them to accept themselves, to be kind to all, and respect life. But there is one thing I want you to know...more than anything. Your heart, your zest for life, and your way of giving to others was never a mistake. There is nothing about you that needed to be changed.Your approach just needed to be tweaked. You will realize that having friends is good but being good to all is better. Never change who you are. Allow yourself to make mistakes..own up to them and then move on. Take all that guilt and turn it around. Don't reject love and help. Accept it and never abuse it. Pay it forward every matter HOW your day is going. The universe needs your love. People need care. We are all fragile creatures...and this is why you were made into the person you care,love, mend, and respect.

Love always,

ps- You are perfect just the way you are. Don't try being anyone else. It only cheats those around you:)