Monday, July 1, 2013

Why Affliction shirts make you a total DoucheBag!

Don't get me wrong...I like watching the occasional UFC fights...even the ones where the dudes have cauliflower ears (gag me with a spork). I have been to a UFC fight (wasted). While attending this awesomely exciting event(sarcasm) I saw a lot of beefed up men with women's hair and a sea of AFFLICTION SHIRTS. They all looked roided out of their mind and kept grabbing their nuts ( yes I know...I was just as shocked they even had some left). It was not really the M.U.S.C.L.E action figures they were trying to be like that bothered me as much as those awful fucking shirts.

$75 a shirt?? That in itself is total douchebaggery. A nike shirt at the most might be $30 and doesn't have veins running through it or a Unicorn fighting a bull. I have also seen some of the fattest nasty men in these shirts. Put it this way if you are a female and you are tempted to go after a male with one of these shirts on be prepared to have the WORST one night stand of your life. You are more likely to get lucky and enjoy it with a dude wearing a shirt with a wolf howling at the moon.

I have always wanted to ask someone who has bought one of these ridiculously priced MMA shirts," did it come with a complimentary hand job?" If not you got ripped OFF. The same thing goes for Ed Hardy. Only I see MORE affliction shirts in the south than the Ed Hardy's. Must be a west coast thing. However I will say that the people who where "Ed Hardy" are probably just obsessed with Miami ink.Going back to the wannabe shirts..Why do everyone who has a scarred up face wear these? We all know that scar was not from a fight rather it was from a hard case of chicken pox when you were 7.I will never understand why anyone would actually want a closet full of shirts that make them look like they went on tour with Metallica?!?! These people are always carrying MONSTER drinks and flexing...They also have the tendency to throw deuces up in every picture. Have you ever seen these guys at a bar? I used to work in one so let me tell you..they walk around sticking out their chest, proudly donning their freshly pressed "AFFLICTION" shirt and their "BEDDAZLED" jeans (by the way what the hell is up with men also wearing rhinestones?!?!?!)scanning the bar hoping that someone will actually "ACCIDENTALLY" run into them so they can show off their Brazilian Ju Jitsu move they've been practicing from their DVR at home.Trust're a grown man wearing a $75 shirt with mythical dragons on it.
I actually saw this guy at the know the ones who grunt when they work out and sound like their about to bust a load? So gross....especially because I bet their nuts look like beef jerky...because you also know these guys Tan like it's their job. So this drooling dbag has an affliction towel, a water bottle, and jean shorts. He also had zits all over his backne....SO gross. He lifts the heaviest bar in the building and yells, "Make me scream!!!" And yes, he was yelling that to his "Workout partner (also wearing said shirt)." I really don't know where yelling that is appropriate nor do I know where wearing rhinestone sweatpants is acceptable. No one is wrestling a rattlesnake nor are you about to battle with a Viking. The camera crew is not here to film your "nickleback" video.

Real men don't need shirts with warriors on it to make them cool. Real men can work out without a label. They run, they lift weights, Shit...they might even love MMA but they don't have to wear a $70 shirt to prove their manhood. It is a TOTAL turnoff and it means that your dick is probably "afflicted with small size."